Tag: femme

It‘s 8th of March. International Women*s Day. While eating breakfast in the kitchen a housemate says, that she will put on make-up and dress herself nicely today.
Yes, what a good idea. I want to do it too! I feel like being sick since months and wearing just my black hoodie.
So I go to my room and put make up on my eyes and on my lips. I am proud of myself, it looks really nice.

But when I look into the mirror I get a bit the feeling of wearing a mask. Can I really wear it or is it too much? I am so unused to see me with a lot of make-up, that I think other people will have the same feeling like me. But whatever, I can do it.
I choose to wear my green leopard dress. I should really wear it more often. It‘s very pretty.

Looking into the mirror again my doubts regarding my way of looking are bigger.
People will look at me more often than usual and some will also comment me. Actually I don‘t have such a problem with this, I like it to attract attention with my appearance sometimes…but just if I feel like that. Am I ready for this today?
I am not going to a fancy queer party, where every person looks flashier than the other one. I will be rather surrounded by many black hoodies and jogging pants. I should give a fuck. But I can not.
I like my look, but can‘t feel it today.
But I want to be able to feel it.
I pressure myself.
I feel uncertain, grab my black hoodie and lay down in my bed.
I am pissed off. Today is not my day. The more I want to have a good day, the less it will work.
I am waiting in my bed with the hope, that something will change, but I know that it will not.

I take the eye make-up off my eyes. If I just wear lipstick I must feel better. It‘s not that unusual for me.
I feel good with it, but still…the red looks so dramatic and it‘s so striking, that I am not sure if I want this today. In my inside I feel very small right know. I lay in my bed again.

It‘s getting dark and I get up to take off the lipstick. What‘s wrong with me, that I spend dressed up and with make-up the whole day in bed. I should go out to the streets and fight for feminism. But how should I fight if I get a crisis, because I am scared of looking too femme?
I feel uncomfortable on exactly that day, where I should celebrate femininity and empower my femme sides. It‘s the day to go outside and to feel good with my make-up and my dress, than to hide under my blanket.
But no, I can‘t get rid of those thoughts.
Is it too much make-up?
What will people think?
Am I beautiful enough today?
Am I overdressed?

Fuck you patriarchy, that you make me feel like that!
You managed it, that I rather stay in my bed, than to be visible on the streets.
Because I feel uncomfortable to go outside dressed up.
Because I internalized femmephobia so much, that looking femme is something dangerous and nothing comfortable.
No matter how empowered I sometimes feel and I am seen by others, there are still these little internalized thoughts. They are in my head, even if I know, that they are bullshit, they have the power to ruin my day.
Even on International Women*s Day.